Psych!

Psychology is one of the few classes that doesn't put me to sleep.  Why?  Because it's awesome, that's why.  Psychology, in essence, is the study of the mind, and quite honestly, I can't think of anything more bad to the bone than the human mind. 

I mean, think about it.  Are you thinking about it?  That's your mind doing that. Pretty cool, huh?  Now think about this: I'm causing you to do that.  BAM!  Just like that I'm essentially controlling your mind via the community college website.  Don't worry, I won't make you do anything stupid, just maybe make you yawn or make your nose itch.

But I'm not here to control your mind, I'm here to talk about how totally awesome psychology is.  A few weeks ago in class, we were discussing learning processes, and my favorite one by far was Classical Conditioning, which was introduced to the psychology world by Ivan Pavlov with his infamous ‘Dog who used to not salivate at the sound of a bell now does' experiment. You may have heard of it. 

Basically, the experiment started with a dog, a bell, and some dog food.  Obviously, the delicious aroma of the moist dog food alone was enough to make the dog drool buckets in anticipation, and to no surprise, the ringing sound of a bell yielded no response from the dog, other than maybe slight agitation and confusion as to why an old bearded Russian man was ringing a bell at him.  But Ivan knew exactly why he was ringing the bell.  His goal was to get the dog to salivate by nothing more than the sound of the bell, and he had a sneaky trick to accomplish it.

Every time the dog was presented with the mouthwatering food, Ivan would ring the bell at the same time.  He continued to do this every time the dog was fed.  Eventually, the dog would salivate from the sound of the bell alone, associating the ringing sound with the imminent delicious meal.  And that's classical conditioning in a nutshell; feel free to try it at home!

                "But Mike," you think to yourself as I control your mind, "while that is pretty awesome, I don't have time to make my dog hungry for bells.  How can I take that technology and use it to mess with my buddies?"  Excellent question, friend. 

                It is entirely possible to use this method to make a friend of your choice fear his own cell phone.  First, pick someone who has a very distinct ring tone, the more unique and obnoxious the better.  Next, whenever that phone goes off and you're around, find a way to inflict pain on them.  Be creative!  A taser works well, but a simple playful punch on the arm is sufficient. 

           When they look at you oddly for punching them or after they catch their breath from the tase, just act like nothing happened or say you were punishing them for their horrible ring tone.  After continual and repeated abuse at the sound of their phone ringing, they will eventually flinch in cowardice involuntarily at the sound of their phone alone, even when you're not around. 

           And there you have it!  A fun and exciting way to embarrass your friends with classical conditioning without getting dog slobber everywhere, and just one example of how awesome psychology is.

(Note:  Use at own discretion.  I am not responsible for any retaliatory beatings or permanent psychological fears of cell phones.)